I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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