this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
