Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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