made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
