my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
