1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
