Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
