What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
