Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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