just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
