I wish my penis had an off switch
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
