So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
