he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
