Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
