I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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