somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
