guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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