you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
