It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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