Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
