the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
