he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
