i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
