She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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