so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My pussy is not your playground.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
