ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How drunk are you?
Completed.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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