moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
