The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
