Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
