Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
