There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
