I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
