Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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