Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
