I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
This is classic penis vs brain.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
