I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
