Your face is a jimmy john
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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