Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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