I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
