This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
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