then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My penis needs a shock collar
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
