And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
