I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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