I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
