She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
