i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i dont even know how to be here
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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