Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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