I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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