Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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