whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
