Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
