All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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