Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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