Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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